EXPLOIT PERSONAL NEEDS TO WIN
Our emotions are the worst judge in the world; using your emotional reaction to evaluate your acting makes you vulnerable to invalid feedback.
Needs are usually announced by two well-known messengers: emotions or natural human urges. Both messengers provide their service to you in a very unpleasant way, making you feeling psychical or body discomfort. You feel bad because there is something essential to be accomplished: Needs are here to show what is necessary to be secured because you don't want to lose the position or standard. It would be very burdensome to think of your all responsibilities or calculate possible opportunities to reach your favourite pleasures in every moment of your life, and that's why your subconsciousness comes to help as a bottomless container of feelings. Although it seems your feelings are coming to you randomly, they are here to remind you of something you should do or pay attention to something you are doing.
Having an emotional response to anything doesn't mean it's important, relevant or valid. Your emotions are not supposed to help you with decisions. They are a tool to enjoy the chosen activity or helping to avoid the rejected harmful doing, but using them as an advisor in your choices or goals makes you giving up your holding of the helm.
IS IT REALLY ME?
Let's be frank. Your subconsciousness is a VERY enthusiastic assistant in the mission to fetch feelings and emotions and VERY lame. Sometimes is not much helpful to overwhelm you with inappropriate inner reactions or distract your attention with awkward ideas. And it can be even worse: Those enthusiastic but retarded assistants of your needs habitually come in groups, but each of them initiating contradictory urges at the same time. In psychology, we call them autonomous COMPLEXES if they come periodically and achieve success to convince you to act - in fact - against YOUR WILL.
I know about your secret. When you obey an undesirable urge, you pretend to yourself and often also to other people that your acting was wise, practical or caused by the logical performance of necessities. Lying to yourself, you try to prevent incoming more unpleasant feelings: embarrassment, shame or indignity. Don't worry; I will not tell anyone. On the contrary, I will help you master your needs and - if you wish to go this way - to exploit other people's needs to uphold your stance. You can make it under one condition: you must be brave enough to admit the reality of current settings of things you would like to change. No, to check for the fifth time if you locked the door doesn't increase security, really; you are not "responsible", doing it.
EXAMPLES OF STANDARD INNER DIALOGUES BETWEEN HUMANS AND THEIR NEED ASSISTANTS
- I think I should start filling that excel table now.
- Filling excel tables sucks. It's boring as hell. I bet you have better things to do.
- I know, but the boss will ask for it in the morning.
- Spending all evening filling stupid numbers into columns. What is it good for?
- I MUST DO IT! OPENING THE FILE NOW.
- Okay, okay. What about a bit of compromise? You can perform your responsibility and avoid boredom at the same time!
- I think there should be some colours to make it look I care about my work. Because I do!
- Gooood! See? You feel relieved a bit now.
- Shades of purple make it look awesomely vibrant. I think I am one step to be a team leader.
- What about the find a font that expresses your personality better after you finish the colours?
- I don't know... The purple with comic sans makes it looking kinda immature now.
- Turn it all back to the good old grey then!
- I am working so hard today. It's in solid grey, finally. What now?
- What about refreshing your fingernails?
- True, I cannot show in the office with a mess like this.
- Don't forget to check Facebook after you finish your nails. It will help you with the anxiety.
- I think I am acting stupid.
- You are also old.
- You need to pee.
- Not now, I am on a bus.
- You must pee. Imagine the ecstasy at the moment you are peeing!
- I cannot do it now! OMG, is it so hard to hold it for ten minutes?
- PEE EMERGENCY! NOW NOW NOW!
THE NEW COLLEAGUE
- Wow, look at that hot chick!
- She is, but I am at the regular management meeting and must focus on the topic.
- Focus on those tits! How her nipples may look like? Her body is worth exploring.
- SHUT UP!
- C'mon, a good boner didn't kill anyone.
- Are you crazy? I am going to stand up and make my presentation in a minute!
- Masturbate in the toilette after the meeting is over.
- She is my new colleague, and I shouldn't be thinking about her this way. What am I, a pervert?
- Imagine her when you will have sex with your wife tonight.
- I am a horrible person.
- Agree; you are awful. You fake your skills at work. You pretend you have a happy life, trying to forget you are a loser. But what is the most important now? YOU WANT TO FUCK HER SO MUCH!
- Punch him into his bloody face.
- Are you crazy? He is my boyfriend! Bringing me flowers to make me happy again!
- Punch him hard. He deserves it.
- I love him! He loves me! He is so sweet. The best boyfriend any girl can imagine. Faithfull, listening, always looking to do something nice for me.
- Imagine smashing his fatty smiling lips.
- I am so ungrateful. How is it possible I am having feelings like this?
- If you don't handle punching him, be bitching today. Make him feel guilty but don't give answers why. Deal?
- I don't know. What's wrong with me? What am I missing?
- You are missing your orgasms.
HOME DESIGN WITH A SELF-TORTURE
- The flower must be in the middle.
- C'mon, I re-arranged it perhaps ten times. I am sure it is in the very middle now.
- The flower must be in the middle, or something terrible will happen.
- See? It's in the middle. Eleventh time.
- The middleness requires perfection. Check it for the last time.
- I don't want to! I am hitching this silly flower there and back for almost one hour!
- The flower must be in the middle, or you got cancer.
- I think I am a conscientious perfectionist. I am sure someone will appreciate it one day. One more touch, and it's done.
- The flower still may not stand in the middle.
- There must be a chance it's in the middle already.
- You must check, or you got cancer, and also your mother got cancer. You are not like that!
- I am sure the position of any flower cannot cause any illness. I don't want to imagine such dreadful things.
- Cancer cancer cancer. Place the flower into the precise middle.
WAGNER: SMOKERS UNFRIENDLY
- A cigarette.
- Shut up; I am enjoying the opera.
- No. Your enjoyment has been terminated. You need to smoke your cigarette now.
- There will be an intermission in 20 minutes.
- Imagine that tasty smell. You cannot wait. You must inhale right now.
- What a selfish prick Wagner was, composing endless pieces like this. It seems they will howl about the damn ring forever.
- Exactly. You will not miss anything with the quick smoke.
HACK 004: THE TRUE WILL
The examples above use adult acting characters, yet they remind us of something obvious: childish behaviour. A child is inexperienced in evaluating the relevance of inner inputs or emotional responses to a present situation. Do you know why so many grown, intelligent and even skilled or respected people undertake completely immature inner fightings every day? They overestimate two factors that often have an invalid impact on cognitive processes, decisions and acting: ACTUAL IMPRESSION and THE CONVENTION.
The actual impression of circumstances is often caused by irrelevant or minor factors in the perceived structure (e. g. a situation you are facing or observing, something you have done, something you should have done, a task being performed or required or discussed, a performance supposed to be leading to a place or a goal etc.). Let's have an empty quote like: "New ideas pave the path to the new human." Now imagine it with a picture of Adolf Hitler, Dalai Lama and Stephen Hawking. The impression is very different in every case. The quote is entirely bullshit and irrelevant - I created it right now - putting it together with a narrative of well-known personality gives it a false deep meaning and invalid but the real influence on our subconsciousness. Imagine footage of a person throwing cake to the face of a nerdy-looking girl, which seems pissed off, in a video with old comedy music and crazy sounds. The same footage with dramatic music and a narrator's voice, reporting the story about recently investigated family abuse, will completely change your feeling about the record, giving you no clue or relevant information, what you are watching.
If you are thinking, "I am not naïve, I am pretty immune to things like this", I guarantee you will question my morality in the next paragraph. Before I make you angry for a few seconds, I must explain the second misleading factor. The psychologist Lawrence Kohlberg constituted the stages of moral development. It should be associated with age and an individual's education, but notice some people stuck in some stage forever: The first stage is PRE-CONVENTIONAL. A person is oriented to avoid punishment and judges the morality of an action by its direct consequences, following selfish or straightly reciprocal acting. The second stage is CONVENTIONAL. Individuals consider actions by comparing them to society's views and expectations, capable of evaluating how to behave as a "good boy/girl" without instant consequences. Finally, the POST-CONVENTIONAL level opens a growing realization that individuals are separate entities from society. The individual's perspective may take precedence over society's view; individuals may disobey rules inconsistent with their principles. I am using the stages to explain the danger of irrelevant emotional responses to customs and conventions imprinted to your subconsciousness. What is presented as being WRONG or RIGHT may initiate a false response and a reaction caused by completely invalid inputs.
Now comes the promised controversy. Do you remember THE CONSISTENCY HACK and the importance of the vector direction from the last article? You can use it to filter all irrelevant inputs of false impressions and conventions. If you are honest with yourself, the filtered mass will be HUGE. What if I tell you there is no causality between a person's presented or supposed opinions/values/stances and relevant actions? Of course, there can be a correlation. A radical neo-nazi probably will not join his friend at the birthday party in a gay club, but there is an evident consistency in a neo-nazi having a gay friend. Considering this, you cannot be surprised that the neo-nazi will finally join the party, keeping it secret to his nazi fellows. Any personal stance, political, ethical, philosophical, moral or religious/spiritual, doesn't give you any relevant input of impression until you evaluate it together with a particular RELEVANT element of a bigger picture you examine. Presented personal stances don't reveal or predict any other character values or acting associated with elements without direct correlation to the subject of the stance. A person sharing your values may hurt you, and a person presenting values you find pathological or evil may finally help you or show ups as a good friend. To avoid any judging will make you free. Judging is blindness that prevents you from revealing the information you need to follow your true will.
The hack of the TRUE WILL is a combination of elementary techniques from my previous articles. Still, it has the potential to serve you as a powerful tool with a growing impact to secure your needs and strengthen your mind. You may need to train your skills in applying honesty to yourself, filtering input elements given by false impression or convention, using consistency and vector awareness, and building an alliance with your inner self. Your emotional "need assistants" may seem intense, but it's always you who is in charge. Every human is competent the recognize their true will in any situation. The only tricky part is to avoid lying to yourself and using false excuses built on irrelevant conventional values of "right" acting.
IF YOU DON'T LIKE ANYTHING ON THE ACTING YOU ARE PERFORMING IN THE MOMENT, ASK YOURSELF:
WHAT IS THE REAL THING I WANT TO DO NOW?
THERE ARE TWO STEPS IN EVERY PIECE OF THE PATH OF YOUR TRUE WILL:
1. TO ACCEPT WHAT IS YOUR PREFERRED ACTING, GIVEN BY YOU AND ONLY YOU.
2. ACT THIS WAY HERE AND NOW.
WE CAN ANALYZE THE ORIGINAL EXAMPLES AND DEFINE THE TRUE WILL OF THE ACTORS
Procrastination is always a trap. There are no advantages in its performance at all. We should pay attention to it in a different way - it tells us something is not right.
In this example, the true will is to fill the tables and not pay unnecessary attention to it or invest too much energy into such a formal task. The character here must consider if it's better to find a discipline to accomplish small, unimportant tedious tasks quickly every time and then focus on assignments with the potential to demonstrate skills or a personal contribution to the team. The impression of a possibility to display it in the standard management office routine is false.
To hold it may seem like the apparent true will, but there must also be the balance in demands to our body.
THE NEW COLLEAGUE
The irrelevant input of conventions causes the impression there is something wrong to find someone sexually attractive, even in an inappropriate time and place. Masturbating during work is okay until it remains strictly the personal secret, not shared with anyone, same as any sexist conversation or imagination. The true will is to act like a normal colleague and try flirting on suitable occasions, like a colleague's birthday party - and be ready to behave professionally again in any case of the development.
The pathology in this example lies in suspected suppressed frustration with a potential of aggressive or passive-aggressive patterns to occur.
The true will is to live in a perfect relationship, not to punish someone for being imperfect. If the personal effort doesn't bring the expected results, there will be inconsistencies in expectations, choices and honesty in secret desires.
HOME DESIGN WITH A SELF-TORTURE
The true will is to be self-confident enough to define the middle by first trying and then considering a pure interference of obsessive-compulsive behaviour. In any case, the actor here is fighting with his inner enemy in an extreme pathological way, ignoring the irrelevance of almost all elements causing his feelings.
Unlike in other examples, the acting here needs professional psychotherapeutic help. I used this narrative to demonstrate an intense and obvious tension between the true will and performed acting.
WAGNER: SMOKERS UNFRIENDLY
The true will is not to be bothered by the urgent need for smoke. If a need like this prevents the performance of our true will too often, it's reasonable to consider giving up the need entirely.
HACK 005: SMALL THINGS REVEAL BIGGER THINGS
"My grandma told me once: Always look to the shoes people are wearing. The clean shoes mean pure intentions."
"I vote for this politician because he treated his parents nicely in the video from his home."
Hearing nonsenses like these statements from your friends, you can evaluate their approach as silly or dumb, but don't argue with them. They chose to use irrelevant parameters and probably need their invalid methods to feel less unsure. You can keep the information about them until you need to initiate irrelevant judgements using false impressions.
However, the principle they try to follow exists, and I call it SMALL THINGS REVEAL BIGGER THINGS, but it only works if we try to find small things with the same pattern as bigger things we need to estimate. We notice the small pattern and send it through our validation of relevance, consistency, vector direction, and reproducibility. This tool allows you to perceive hidden intentions in the behaviour of any person who reveals supposedly unnoticeable small pieces of personal acts. Observing those small patterns, we can avoid the consequences of facing unexpected disappointments or acting in an undesirable manner in the future. Keeping the approach to bigger things carefully hidden, most people follow false impressions caused by common habits when considering small things. You can be a walking philanthropist, but try to overlook a pregnant woman in public transport - your humanitarian career is ruined.
Anyway, this mind hack is easy; you can understand the principle by reading the examples below.
SMALL THINGS RELEVANCE CHECKING CHART EXAMPLES
WHAT DOES THE SILENCE MEAN?
Your friend proposes you to create a project with you. You both find the idea exciting, and you start with your part of the work immediately. After you manage to provide the fundamental part of the necessary initial addition from your side (like you prepare a website, buy tools or equipment etc.), your friend seems enthusiastic seeing this. Despite your expectation, nothing comes from your friend's side after your last meeting, even any manifested interest, questions or suggestions for updates in your plan. Time is passing, and you wait for any reaction, surprised how long the silence lasts. Does it mean it's better to suspend the planned cooperation with him/her?
HACK 006: ONE IN NEED IS WEAK INDEED
Personal needs are always a reaction to something we sense - consciously or not - as a weakness. They are different from personal goals. We learnt that needs are here to show what is necessary to secure. Goals are here to define the vector of particular acting or the whole being itself. Your dreams give your life a deeper purpose and fulfilment. Without secured needs, it's very difficult or impossible to follow the path of your goals. You can be ultra-talented, but you cannot become a famous singer with an empty stomach, staying on the street in rags and singing beautifully. People may notice you, but they will give you alms if anything. A knight in shiny armour is very rare. And if he occurs, there will be a hatch - you will be dependent on the will of someone else, following his/her path and not yours. Without balance and dignity, there will be no fulfilment.
The best option is to synchronize securing your needs with the more complex effort to implement your more precious intentions and work on the undertaking of your very own. Not everyone has a starting position to do so, but there are fortunately basic rules to lead your life to your satisfaction for any personality and life story. Mind having your effort to secure your needs consistent with your effort to reach your goals. If you find any inconsistency, needs must come first. If you experience having TOO MANY NEEDS, isn't there an option to terminate some of them? Do you REALLY need this or that? Do you need an expensive car? Do you need to buy a bottle of whisky every week? A new cellphone? Do you need to spend so much time on social networks? Be friendly but honest to yourself. Remember who is the best partner to help you with everything. Every more need makes you weaker and vulnerable to the danger of DEPENDENCY.
The most important in securing your needs is TO AVOID THE DEPENDENCY by any chance. If you provide someone with a service for a service or money, it's a business. If you provide your employer with your work or are being provided by your employee's work, it's also a business. As far as the principle "EVERYONE AND EVERYTHING IS REPLACEABLE" is followed. Are you considering this principle to be cynical or inhuman?
On the contrary! The catastrophe in anyone's life comes with a situation when you act as a particular person to someone (or someone acts as a specific person to you) instead of holding just a given social role during your mutual securing of your needs. The burden given by this prevents you from natural growth. There is an even worse setting: if the situation is asymmetrical and you are the receptor. Imagine a drug addict begging a dealer for a deal. With growing withdrawal symptoms, the dealer can ask for ANY price or request. If he commands the addict to stay on one leg all night, he can saturate his sadism watching the order being obeyed. The only exception where dependency is required is the unique need of LOVE. There cannot be any social role in love. It must be personal. Love is a state of being voluntary dependent on someone's presence and desired manner of acting. Yes, EXACTLY, this is why love sometimes hurts so much: This need can be secured only through the performed dependency on its "provider".
With the knowledge of the principles in this article, you can quickly REVERT it if you want to exploit someone's needs. You may initiate a false impression you provide your counterpart with your service to secure his/her need as the particular person, not acting your social role. You may back up your position, causing emotional responses with the vector of perceiving you are UNREPLECEABLE. There must be no lie in your building of this narrative - your inputs may be irrelevant but must be valid to strengthen the chosen vector. There is no real danger for anyone to experience pathological dependency because you know the impression you evoked is irrelevant. You can use it ethically to dominate in schemes containing your required REAL skills or demanded services - it's heavily used en masse by many entities, and we call it the marketing.